Baby Bores

Life is exciting an interesting and then you hit an age when everyone around you starts having babies. To the couple who have just had a baby it is an amazing, life-changing experience and they are keen to share every detail with you, no matter how small. If their baby grabbed a fist full of its own shit and smeared it around its plump little face, they would find this cute and probably think it a sign of its superior intelligence.

When a gazelle gives birth on the Serengeti its young gets up, staggers around for a few minutes, and then follows along with the rest of the herd, and within a year or two will probably be have offspring of its own; human babies however are rubbish. Even after a year or so of being alive they are still staggering around like park drunks, babbling away incoherently and covering themselves in their own piss. The parents seem delighted with these shoddy efforts and tell you all about how their baby farts at night, burbs, smears shit on itself etc.

The other odd thing about babies is that parents are hard wired to find them beautiful, hardly surprising when you think about genetics. However, to you, the on looker, they often look like bloody aliens: pallid white skin criss crossed with blue veins, eyes popping out, a clutter of oversized features crowding a head the size of a basketball with a body that is patently way to small to support it - hence it has to be pushed around in a carbon-fibre invalid carriage for the first three years of its life.

The worst thing about people with babies is when they tell you about the birth. Nobody, but nobody, can surely want to hear this. Graphic details involving pain, bleeding, tearing, screaming, stitches and other horrors, which need not be brought up whilst your trying to tuck into your pub lunch (which is incidentally in a pub right near their house, because now they have had a baby there is no way they are ever travelling around to your neck of the woods again.

I am sure everyone of us has at some point taken a shit, and despite it all being a bit of struggle, when you saw it there lying at the bottom of the crook in the U bend, you felt just a tiny bit proud, however, it is not acceptable to bring this up in public, and more importantly NO ONE CARES.